a conversation i had with a friend a few days ago. 

friend: if a girl tells me that they love me, i say it back to them. 
me: ... even if you don't mean it? 
friend: yeah. i mean, you can't say "i don't love you." 
me: why?  you don't have to straight out say " i don't love you" , but isn't staying silent  a better response? 
friend: no! that's the worst response! if someone tells you that they "love" you, you should say it back to them, no matter what.  even if a guy doesn't love the girl, if he hears it, he'll say it back. people always say things they don't mean. it's what they do. girls and guys. 
me: what?! then why would you say " i love you "  if you don't mean it? 
friend: ... well... i guess it's because they say " i love you", hoping that they will be able to love them in the future. 

... and that's the most bullshit thing i've ever heard.  

although, i know that not a lot of people think &act like that, it surprises me to think that there are people out there who do. 

say what you mean, and mean what you say. 

the conversation kind of struck a chord with me. partly because i found myself thinking of mike, and how this is probably why he said " i love you"  back to me. i don't think he was ready to say those words to me, but i pressured him by saying it first. it makes me feel like our whole relationship was a facade. whatever. it's over.

sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. 

one of the shorts that was shown at the film festival.



thoughts? : )

i went to the secret film festival at the Del Mar Theater again this year.

The movies i watched were:
1. Square w/ a beginning short called Spider
2. Thirst (korean vampire movie)
3. Secret of Kells
4. Bronson
5. Black Dynamite (watched it again)
6. Sector 13

i'll post a review about it later. i'm extremely tired, and it's almost 3am :

spring break ended... lets get a recap:
- talked things over, and i'm still with mike. i told him that the 3 weeks w/o talking to your gf doesn't fly. and if he makes me feel like that again, i'm dumping him. we will overcome the bump in our relationship.
- oh. my. god. house bounced all over the place. i have really good friends. the end.
- will be interning for Giant Robot in the summer!! YES YES YES. now i just need to find a place to live in LA. and a set of wheels. :(
- hot tub time machine - at first i was reluctant to watch it, but surprisingly good and hilarious.

it's already the first day of school and i'm stressing out. oh math 11B, i hate you. but i love you when i understand you. accounting tomorrow. i don't know what to expect.

my birthday is on thursday... on april fool's and i really hope mike is coming up to visit me... but i really doubt it. air tickets are really expensive, and even though i offered to help pay for his ticket, i don't think i'd be able to dish out more than 40$/ 50$ . tickets to come up are 114$ each way :(((

i really want mike to be here on my birthday. i really really want him here with me.

instead i'm trying to plan a SF day on saturday with alex and jaime. bring along isshan and jeff? hopefully. i want to go to golden gate park in the daytime and then hit the club scene/ art gallery / anything fun at night. it's my birthday and i intend to have a drink or two.

i don't want to be 20. the word 20 feels weird on my tounge... tweeeenty. twenty. no more "- teen" ... i don't like how people say " oh they're 21, they should know better. " no. i still feel like an awkward teenager, i have so much to learn and do in the world, i feel like i don't know what i should already know.

i don't wanna grow up. i want to run around the town armed with chalk and friends who are down to do anything.

" know your environment"

that advice was probably the best thing that mike has ever taught me. and making me leave him will be the best thing he's ever done for me.

no excuses left. there's really no reason why you can't return your girlfriend's call. there's no reason why you can't grab a quick dinner with your girlfriend before studying for your TAKE HOME midterm on friday. there's no good reason why you can't spend a fraction of your time with your girlfriend that's only going to be here for a week. there's no good reason for any of this.

"out of self- respect, you should dump him"

i can't keep making excuses for mike.

i love him, but not more than i love myself. and it's pretty obvious that i'm taking the backseat pretty often.

augh. i know what i have to do. but it's just so hard. i believe in him. i feel like we can talk it out, make it work.

but also...
i believed that he would pick me up in glendale. up till the very last moment, i seriously believed that he would be there for me, waiting to pick me up. i felt so stupid for believing in him, and i ended up stranded in glendale until my best friend could pick me up after her shift.

never again.

i hate depending on people. you're at their mercy. like in my situation right now. something happened, and now i'm being kicked out of her house earlier than expected tomorrow. i can't really complain. it was nice enough that she let me crash at her place. but i honestly hate feeling so dependent upon another person.

as of right now, i'm independently dependent. by the end of summer, hopefully i'll be full on independent. and by then i plan to have a car. i don't give a fuck if i'll sleep out of my car. at least it's mine and i will no longer be at the mercy of others.

IM ON SPRING BREAK GUYS!!

things i love:
- forgetting what day it is
- sleeping in
- sleeping for more than 6 hours.
- fantastic beach weather
- being back home
- not worrying about school.

by the way. i got a formspring.  i thought it would be fun. ask me anythinggg : ) 


oh me oh my.

i can't believe it's already monday.

i interviewed for an internship at poketo today. it was such a mission just getting to their office in LA. it was a 3 man mission - melissa picked me & jessica up and drove from irvine to LA, and jessica & i was our navigator. we had to get there by 11am, and we were all up by 7am. pretty ridiculous. i love my best friends. i don't know what i'd do without them.

anywayyss. my heart was racing as i entered their headquarters. it was just amazing to be inside their studio. i wanted to touch and see everything with my hands, but of course, i couldn't. i saw their new shirts and they look pretty bombb in person... i wish i wasn't strapped for cash, otherwise i'd splurge and buy a tee or two.

after i got interviewed, i felt like i did pretty alright. and then the more and more i thought about it, i felt like maybe i didn't do so hot as i thought i did. hahaha i think i rambled about johnny cupcakes bit too much. bahhh whatever. it's been done. i just hope that they liked me. keep your fingers crossed for me, guys!! i think i'll hear back at the end of april.

tonight i hung out with perdomo and josh. i haven't seen them since graduation. josh drives an old fashioned orange bug and it's the cutest thing ever. i had a good time catching up with them... i feel like josh is like michael cera. hahaha

i'm crashing at jessica's place tonight & tomorrow since jasmine & mike have midterms on weds.

i love being back home.

part of a conversation i had with alex y. monday night...

me: ... but we're all broken people, alex.
alex y. : ... yes, but we're different. i know i'm broken. you know you're broken, but you don't see it as being broken.

it's been lingering in my thoughts. i'm not sure if what alex said is good thing or not. i'm so entirely grateful that i have him as a friend. we disagree on a lot of things, but that's what keeps it interesting. i always have fun hanging out with him... i wish we could venture out to sf for real...

i saw a daruma doll on alex's desk today. i really love the symbolism, structure, and history behind it. i want one. :)

lately i've been missing everything. my old floormates last year, old bedrooms, places i've lived in, friends back home, people, places, familiar scents.

why now. i need to concentrate for finals, but my mind wants to be anywhere but here.

today i called up jasmine brown, and recapping her birthday party last night, I told her how i met a guy at her party, whom i talked to for the majority of the time. He lives in merrill, and he took the bus with me and walked me back to my apartment. honestly, i don't know how i would find the bus stop in that darkness being tipsy and all. ahah...

i never really realized this until today, but after i told jasmine that, she commented " tiffany, how do you meet such nice guys? you have a good boyfriend, and you met a beautiful boy who took care of you and walked you back to your apartment. I've been trying to find good guys, but i don't even know where they are.. you're so lucky. "

i do consider myself pretty lucky, if he was a shady guy, things could have ended much differently. I need to stop being so naive about things, but i've been pretty lucky in meeting really nice boys. i'll ride on this luck as long as i can. : )

i saw my accounting TA at jasmine's party as well as my MSI tutor with his girlfriend. ahahha it was so weird! but i ended up talking to vivian (my accounting TA) a lot during the party and i feel really happy that i got to know her better. I catched up with so many people last night. I saw Rob Rustia, whom i haven't really hung out with/ seen since last year. he might end up going to cordon bleu for culinary school, which is really cool and it's amazing how he changed within a year. I also saw jason from PAC, he told me about his senior thesis and what he was going to do for it, and it sounds so dope. I didn't really talk to him when i was in PAC, but it was fun to get to know him more. i also saw beatriz there, who submitted stencils for PAC. also, i saw tim, raul and cody at the party. tim was really friendly but cody and raul were still offstandish. too bad, i really wanted to hang out them more this year, but i guess they're still hung up on the past.

today i have a lot to do for my computer class project. we're analyzing FTP packets, which is kind of a bore and i don't know how much info is sufficient for the project :/

one more week of school, then it's spring break for meee!!

I haven't had more than a 5-10 minute conversation with mike for two weeks, but i last talked to him was on monday. this is ridiculous. i really miss him, and it's bothering me that i have no idea what he's been up to this past week. my friends are all suspicious, thinking that he might be cheating on me, but that thought hasn't ran through my mind. i honestly don't feel like he would. i trust him.

i don't feel like my love is being reciprocated, which is depressing. a part of me wants to continuously give him my 110%, but on the other hand, a part of me feels like if i'm not worth his 110%, then he shouldn't be worth my 110%.

i have so much love to give, but i feel like nobody really wants it. i feel like i'm incapable of being loved.

next week is our final week of school.

this has not hit me, i'm not as terrified as i should be.

i'm doing fairly well in my classes, my last midterm for accounting i got an A, and for calc i got a B, pretty nice considering i took them both on the same day. oh and my computer midterm, i got an A. i busted my butt this quarter, and i'm really proud of myself.

Comparing winter quarter this year (sophomore yr) to winter quarter last year ( freshman year), and i can't believe how drastically different it is now and how much improvement i've made. this time LAST year, i was on academic probation w/ a subject to dismissal, i didn't get the CA position, I got turned down from the job at cafe revolucion my first try, i thought i was going to be a biology major, and i didn't know who my real friends were. a year later, as of NOW, i doubled my GPA and brought it back to good standing, i have a job at cafe revolucion, i am now a proposed bme & pre -art major, and i have a better sense of who my go-to people are who have my back even on my worst days. now all i'm waiting on is the CA letter that comes in next week that will tell me if i'm able to become a CA next fall.

it was such a struggle to climb out of that pit, i don't want to forget the dissapointment because that is what keeps me working harder. i don't ever want to feel like that again. i know i can do better, i want to exceed my potential.

it's crazy how time goes by, and how things change. i can't believe that i'm already halfway through college. in about 2 years, i get to start living in the real world... oh my.

project runway is almost done! they only have 9 people left... i'm really rooting for amy (from the bay! ) and jay. i feel like they both have really great style, and i can't wait to see what else they'll come up with. that one woman does a lot of colorblocking, i really want to see what ELSE she can do.

jasmine brown's birthday is tomorrow & matt's birthday as well!! must celebraaateee :DDDD

my final interview for the RA position is on mondayyy i'm so extremely nervous, i hope i can ace it.

a conflict with that though, is that i have a class next quarter that i most absolutely HAVE to take. it's my accounting 10b class, and i think if i pass my interview, it may come down to choosing the RA position or the class. yiiiikes. i don't know what i'd do. : (

anywayys. i can't wait until this quarter is over, i'm getting really homesick and i just want to see my friends back home. i talked to ramille yesterday cause he stopped by the cafe, and we began to talk about our prospective future. I expressed how excited i was for him, how the future looks so bright for him, and he asks me if the future isn't the same for me... i guess it could have seemed that way, but i get really excited about things that are happening for people. i'm going somewhere in life too, but can also feel happy for people who have good things going on in their life. mmm...

anyways. i heard that i advanced to the next round on wednesday and i immediately called mike to let him know. i rang him up at 2pm, 7pm, 10pm and 11 pm... left voicemails, and he never called back or anything. i haven't heard from him since tuesday, and it's really bumming me out. that letter ment a lot to me, and i just wanted to share my excitement with him, and i want the comfort of knowing that he's there for me. I haven't tried contacting him since wednesday, and i'm trying to think of possible explanations, but honestly, if you know that i'm trying to contact you, it's kind of messed up if you just ignore it. i understand if you're busy, but it doesn't that long to call me back and say " i'm busy, i'll talk to you later" that would response would be loads better than no response at all. i don't think mike understands that a simple phone call would make my day exponentially better.

it's the little things.

i'm applying for internships in L.A because i want to stay back home for the summer. I hope i find something. if not, i'm not quite sure what i'll be doing/ where i'll be staying this summer.