it's amazing how random people you meet can have such a profound effect on your life, even though you've only talked with them for a short amount of time.

today, melissa and i went to seaside bakery at 3:20am to get some ham & cheese crossiants, and i started talking to a regular, a man named marty. he's worked with the record industry, and now shoots film & photography for all sorts of famous people. somehow, we ended up talking to him for an hour and a half. he told us the story of how he met bob dylan, which was through his girlfriend at the time. he dated a girl named kimmie when he was 21, and coincidentally, kimmie happened to be roommates with joan baez, and that's how he met bob dylan. we continued to talk about music, about the swing era, count basie's band, rock & roll, benny goodman, and the reason & how the swing era started at the time. it was so amazing talking to him.

after he left, we talked to the man behind the counter. he was the same man two days before, when we came in to buy our ham & cheese crossiants. now that i think about it, we saw marty last time we went in, except we were leaving and he was coming in. the bakery man told us that marty has been coming to the store everyday at the same time for 5 years. and that he would always stay and talk to him for about an hour, and tell him his stories. then he'd leave the way he came, on his bicycle. and it just so happened that today marty decided to give the man who had been listening to his stories for 5 years a 100$ bill, as a thank you for listening. the man behind the counter, who had been serving him for 5 years also told us that he's probably really lonely and just wants someone to talk to since he isn't married. i ask if marty has a girlfriend, and the man said, marty says he does, but they don't have anything in common.

i felt so terribly sad. marty who is 67 years old, who tells his stories to the bakery man, doesn't have someone to grow old with. he has lived such a colorful life, and hearing his stories certainly woke me up, i was pretty damn tired at 3am. he was so expressive and wonderful in telling us about himself and his stories, and his opinion about music. while he was telling me his stories, i just felt very appreciative of his being. and then i felt sad again- what if someday soon he passes away? sure he probably has family, collegues, and friends, but really - i felt so afraid that only the bakery man would know that he died and understood who he is at a personal level. i felt so afraid and sad that there wouldn't be anyone left to appreciate who he was.

i left him a note, linking him to postsecret.com , a thank you for the talk, and my e-mail address, hoping that he'll get in contact with me.

but from what i hear from the bakery man, he hates technology, and doubts that he even has a computer. haha... who knows. hopefully i'll see him again before i leave for santa cruz.

what's interesting about marty is that he said that every job that he's ever had was an accident. it seemed like every major event in his life just happened to be accidental. it makes my mind trip out when i think about how the choices we make just somehow fall together and works out in the end. for example, if tonight we decided to go somewhere else to grab a bite, we wouldn't have had a talk with marty, if we arrived later he wouldn't be there, etc. it's just so weird and crazy to me how everything just happens for a reason.

when i close my eyes i want to remember marty & the bakery man because i feel like they are some sort of catalyst in my life. a catalyst for what? i'm not sure, but i know it's important, and i want to remember it.

i have a macro econ final tomorrow. i haven't studied that much this entire day, because i realized:

I WANT TO DOUBLE MAJOR IN ART & BUSINESS MGMT ECON.

i love art, i want to know how to execute these images in my brain onto canvases.

i feel like it's too late. i hate how you have to be declared "pre art" to take any art courses, and that you have a time limit to finish "pre art" and declare "art" or else it's too late to be allowed into the major. but reality check: IT'S NOT TO LATE.

and i've been wayyy excited to figure out how to double major than focusing on my final tomorrow. FUCK. D:

i'm okay with econ right now. even though art can be mentally and physically exhausting, i know that i'll keep coming back for more, no matter how much it wears on me.

dear ramille,

only now, do i feel that i am i truly learning something about myself.

i've had the greatest ephiphany just now about who i am. and i honestly couldn't have unearthed it if it wasn't for your honesty and your openess to sharing your critiques about my self. they were brutal to say the least. a lot of head tilting, and deep thinking on my part.

first off, let me ask you this: what is the point of a relationship that isn't completely honest and open?

i honestly don't know the answer to that question because for the most part, i've always been honest and open to everyone that i've met. that is, until they give me a reason not to. you probably have a different answer to the question, and i'm interested in your thoughts about it, but that's for another place and time.

this is me being completely honest with you right now. right now, i have something i feel like i need to share with you. you might not care, after all, how does this concern you anyway? but i feel like you should know, because after all, you are the one to thank, the one who sparked this revelation of mine.

i have a lot of shortcomings. although i might have known this, i didn't fully understand how much they have hindered me.

what you made me realize:
i am afraid to hold a strong opinion about something because i don't know a "good enough" reason to feel that way. I always feel like i need the academia facts to support my statements about how i feel, rather than going by intuiton/ instinct. i feel that my answer of "that's how i feel" isn't sufficient enough for you. I don't trust myself to go by instinct in fear that its not "right". or rather, "right" by your standards.

the question i ask you now is: what talents and/or strengths do you see and/or value in me?

tell me what you see, what i don't. so that i can strengthen my talents and overcome my weaknesses.

this is who i am. i am a weak person trying to to figure out my strengths.

i have a macro econ midterm this coming monday, and i am so unprepared. my last midterm i got a B+, i have no idea how the hell i pulled that one.

the UC regents voted on the tution increase today, and they had a meeting from tuesday-thursday. on wednesday there was a huge UC-wide campus shut down. at my school, we had a march to the base of campus and they sat in the street and blocked off traffic so that nobody could go in and out of the school. i came later in the day to the base of campus to show my support and walked with them to the east entrance where they blocked that entrance as well. then more than half the group went to go occupy kresge town hall.

it was an experience heading up to the east entrance with jazper, jasmine, joanne, and everyone else present for the protest. we flooded the streets, and all the cars were backed up because we were holding up traffic. one lady in her car rolled down her window and started to yell at us, telling us that we were being selfish, and that we should "grow up" and that she had a kid to pick up from high school. jazper and i tried to explain to her our situation. i mean, this fee increase affects everyone that's in the UC system. some of my friends can't afford school since the tuition rose, and they either have to take out more loans, or drop out. and there are some people who are so dangerously close to finishing their degree, they have no choice but to take out loans. and you know, those interest rates and fees on loans are going to sky rocket because they know that we need it.

i was at the library sit in last weekend, and we had a video conference with college students in germany who were also occupying spaces. they told us that they had 10,000 of the student body who were part of the movement, occupying space and participating. they asked us how many we had at the sit-in, and we said 300. how embarressing! so many colleges in europe are having such a mass movement, i wish that students in america would follow suit.

a lot of the students i've talked to, who weren't participating, gave me excuses like " oh i have class" or " i have ___ to do" , etc. going to class, and doing other things as a priority, i understand, but even if you can't be there for the entire event, come out for 15min, 5 min, just a moment of your time to show support for your peers. i know that most of the student body felt like they couldn't do anything about the fee increase, and that's why they didn't bother marching, or going to the rally, or trying to occupy buildings. i feel like it doesn't matter, because you don't THINK it matters. the civil rights movement wouldn't have happened if people didn't think that their actions in participating in the movement would matter. we can make this education reform happen, but first we need the numbers to make it a solid movement, to make our statement and voices heard.

honestly, on the day of the campus shut down, i almost didn't head down to the base of campus because i too thought that it didn't matter whether or not i did anything. i told jasmine brown and she chewed me out, she expanded my thinking and made me realize that it really does matter that i am a part of this movement, no matter what the end result was, because when those tuition fees increase, and you bitch about it, you can't say shit because you weren't even INVOLVED in the resistance. i feel like another reason why people aren't more active about this is because we, as americans, don't recognize that education is a priviledge. we take it for granted. and some of the people who don't care, CAN AFFORD tuition increases.

last night a lot of the students occupied kresge town hall, and tonight they're occupying an administrative building (kerr hall). from what i heard, 150 students had been arrested, my friend chris is in that building and i really do hope that he, and everyone there will be okay.

media coverage on our school.

thoughts?

I AM SO SATISFIED WITH WHO WON.
I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NEXT SEASON!!

on another note, i'm going home for thanksgiving. I'm driving down w/ howard, britt, chris, and doraney. i can't wait!! i'm going to a rooney concert w/ jasmineeee <33

this whole week we have blocks of 4 hours, which is like working the weekends. i like it better this way, i don't really like going in halfway through a shift and then leaving because it disrupts how i'm studying.

anyways. worked w/ jeanette the first time today. pretty fun, i want more shifts with her : )

aftermath of yesterday's meetup:

i finally got the closure i needed... it was pretty damn awkward. but i basically restated everything i said on the phone in person, but more eloquently.

i want to tear down his walls so badly, but i feel like i'm barely scratching the paint. who knows if he'll ever let me get that close to him again. i'm going to keep trying, but in the end, it's all up to him, really.

i'm so thankful for jaime and alex for being there for me at crazy hours in the morning helping me get through this.

i wish i could get a hiatus on life. i need a breather from how fast this is all going.

i usually thrift most of my clothes/ get them on sale, but there's been an inflow of shitty moments, i just had to give into retail therapy to make me feel better.

contributions to stress:

1. how much i suck at conveying my thoughts. (i finally called ramille, and it didn't go down the way i planned, i seemed like a fool )

2. failed my macro exam. fuck me, everyone else got annihilated as well. 

3. jessica & her bf came down and we did all the things that they didn't like. (went exploring in our on campus cave, took them through the forest to see tree 9, and ate at saturns (a vegitarian place downtown)

jessica & her bf like real meat. i totally forgot and took them to the best restaurant in town... which was vegetarian. so they ordered a fake bacon & meat burger. needless to say, it doesn't taste like meat, and they didn't like it.  and i also took them to the coolest parts on campus. i mean, who else can say that their campus has a CAVE?? and a crazy tree that if you climb to the top, you can see the entire town??

although we did things they didn't like, we all had fun, and it was good seeing her.  one of the funniest moments last night was when i was eating my nacho fries and saying that it tasted meaty, and how i swear there HAD to be meat in it, and that her burger tasted smokey (that flavor you get when you BBQ it over a grill) , she claimed "THAT IS NOT SMOKEY, AND THAT IS NOT MEAT" and it was the funniest thing ever.  maybe it was a you-had-to-be-there moment. hahah ... 

anyways. i finally bought that ugmonk lowercase tshirt i was oogling over a while back. i can't wait until i get it in the mail! i'm also wanting the  johnny cupcakes new hoodie... i love the simple design, and when they released this last year, the color was gray on black which doesn't hit home for me as much as this  white on navy version.  i only have one pullover hoodie at the moment. i love wearing those, they come in handy when i seriously have nothing to wear, or when i don't feel like dressing up. 

um. 

i'm supposed to hang out with ramille tomorrow, awkwardness ensues, i'm so sure of it.  

although everything i said probably came out horribly, i'm glad i finally said it all. i wish it was more eloquent, but what can you do.  what's done is done. i was so afraid of losing him as a friend, i didn't realize that he never considered me as a friend, period. i asked him straightout what he would classify me as and he said "a close acquaintence".  these things take time, i know, but it's so hard when i feel so strongly about him. friends are people you genuinely care about, and it doesn't matter how many times you've hung out, or how often you talk, (although those factors does influence it)  it's how close  you feel towards that person.  

why can't i ever be so eloquent, calm and composed when i talk to him? i need to take him off that pedestal  i put him on and just realize that he's an a amazing person, but not so much more than any other person could possibly be.  

tomorrow, jessica m. who is of my really good friends from back home is coming to santa cruz to visit! she's bringing her bf which is a bit odd... but it doesn't matter cause i haven't seen her since the first half of summer! it'd be nice to finally meet her boyfriend anyways. i do feel a bit sad that she's only staying for a day, she's leaving saturday morning/ early afternoon.. : (

i'm planning on taking her to the porter caves, tree 9 (if they aren't tired), eat at saturns, and order nite owl cookies, & maybe cafe brazil on saturday morning. i dunno though. i vaugely remember how to get to porter caves, so i need someone to show me again, especially since we're going at night. D:

blahhhh i need to clean up my room before she comes, and FUCK I HAVE A MACRO ECON MIDTERM TOMORROW! AHHHHH seriously, fuck me. i'm also sick, so it's been hard keep my energy up for studying. fuck fuck fuck. i didn't pass my last midterm, so i HAVE to redeem myself on this one. there's so much shit to memorize, i feel so helpless. this seriously sucks cause i started studying for this on monday, i should have not gone out during halloween weekend. pooop.

i'm praying that i'll miraculously remember all the formulas & facts that i'll at least PASS this time. more studying ensues. : (

even though we don't talk much, when we do talk, it has substance.

i feel closer to alex y. i updated him on my boy issue, and he tried his best to help me through it logically. i'm very scatterbrained, and talking to me is pretty hard if you can't follow my thoughts, and i'm just so grateful that he was just so patient with me about the whole thing, and gave me really good advice.

and after guiding me through my issue, i got to know alex y. a bit better as we talked about other things. i feel really honored to be considered a "good friend" of his, and what history he decided to share with me.

it's good to know that i have someone like that to talk to at santa cruz.

oh my gosh.

halloween was chill, but pretty crazy.

i kissed a guy because i just really wanted to, and i didn't think to much of it because i thought he was gay. later that night, i find out that just because he was wearing a bright red pleather nurses outfit doesn't mean that he's gay. my bad.

it felt fucking awkward as jasmine's party because the party population was pretty small and nobody was dancing. I CAME TO DANCE.

jessica might come down to santa cruz for the weekend with her boyfriennd. it'll be nice seeing her, since i haven't seen her since the first half of summer.

i'm doing poorly in my stats & macro econ class. fuck me. i have no idea how i'm supposed to pull this off, i'm getting really worried. i tried reading ch. 10 in econ last night, and it just wasn't making sense to me. fuck fuck fuck.

how am i gonna do this? i need to get my shit together.

so i volunteered to help with the haunted house this year, it was suuuper fun. i got all bloddied up and yelled at people. the theme was about the saw movies... i haven't seen any of them. i'm terribly afraid of scary movies.

anywayys, we help set up the haunted house at 4pm and it lasted until 10pm. then after that, i really really wanted to go dancing. i've been itching to do so, and i thought i'd get my dance fix from the bridge school benefit concert, but it wasn't the scene for dancing. i hit up araceli (coworker from cafe rev) and we went to the dance at merril. it was alright... it could have been better.

* ANGSTY BIT: as i was walking to & from my apartment, i saw ramille just chillin with his friends. umm we both definitely saw each other, but failed to acknowledge each other. i have no idea what's going on in that boy's head. maybe he thinks he's too good for me, i have no idea what he's thinking. but the point is- he doesn't make the time to hang out with me. and that says enough. though i wish it wasn't this way... i think if we still haven't talked to each other by xmas break, i want to write him a letter or something. augh.

anywayys. after the dance, i ate a nite owl cookie at araceli's apt, and chilled for a bit with her & her housemates. it's nice to finally hang out outside of a work space.

tomorrow, i have nooo idea what's going on. it's halloween, and i WAS going to be pikachu, but i started sewing and it came out disasterous. buuut i have a torn up bloody shirt so if i do my hair and makeup tomorrow, i can be a zombie doll or something.

ohhh yeah, tomorrow i'll finally watch edward scissorhands! i haven't seen it EVER, so i'm really exciteddd :D

happy halloween guys <3

halloween is coming up, i haven't even started on making my costume :(

i did poorly on my macro exam, and another exam is coming up next friday, i need to bust my ass studying for it this weekend hopefully.
also- i bombed my stats midterm. all i have left is the final, and well, fuck me. everyone bombed it, and even though there's going to be a fatty curve, i don't feel confident.

this halloween, i have no idea what's going on, but i really really wanna go and dance dance dance.

i've never been really into beer pong. i'm kinda tired sticking with the same scene. time to change it up.

intro to pop. culture midterm in 3hours.

yesterday, i don't know what came over me. after the PAC meeting, ariel pulled me aside and said that she caught me sleeping during the meeting when someone was talking. she wasn't being mean about it, but for some reason i just started crying. and i couldn't stop. it was so embarressing, a couple other people in PAC were still there and they looked very confused.

lately i've been really stressed, and the fact that my midterm is today and i'm not really sure what to do for the listening portion made me freak out. my study buddy bailed on me last night, and i wasn't able to catch my prof. in his office because he already headed home.

how i embaressed myself even more: as i was in the music center looking for my professor, i asked this girl if she knew if my professor was still around. i wasn't crying anymore, but my eyes were puffy, my face was still streaked with tears, and i was still hiccupping and this stranger was so amazingly nice to me. she gave me a hug and walked me outside and just talked to me. her name was jacklyn, from porter, and i just felt like it was so amazing to do what she did for me. to show such compassion for a stranger, it made me feel better.

but yeah, basically i trekked over campus crying, and that shit is embarressing.

i don't like it when people see me cry, it makes me feel exposed and weak.  i hate how society makes us feel like it's not okay to show negative emotions, when in actuality, it's a brave thing to do, to expose your emotions to people you don't know. even though i'm saying that it is brave,  it doesn't feel very brave. although i don't have all my shit together, i still try to keep my composure.  

stuff i have to do
- make halloween costume before next weds.
- extra PAC stuff (PAC is on saturday! ) that needs to get done
- help with the halloween haunted house that the apts. are putting on .
- study for stats, midterm next tues.

not only does finland have really smart kids, beautiful scenery, MEESE, ranked 3rd in quality of life & economical performance, they also made broadband a legal right.  right on, finland. i want to visit someday  : )

the cafe hired 2 new staff members. one of them shadowed tonight, brian seems pretty cool. can't wait to meet the other barista. 

bridge school benefit concert is this sundayy... i'm going with my housemates. we'll see how it goes. 


i'm almost over ramille. take it as it is and get over it. maybe he got scared that i really liked him, and he didn't have the heart to tell it to me straight that he doesn't feel the same, and therefore ignored me/ is avoiding me. immature way to go about it, but what can i do? i can't keep making excuses for him. 

today i woke up to the sound of my housemate having sex.  what a great way to start the day. 

this week is gonna be hectic. 

 some things - 

- give my self more credit for the things i'm good at.  
- get in shape! 12 week plan- start over and get it right this time! (stopped during the 7th/8th week :( ) 
- get on top of my work load. i got more important things to worry about. 

this week is completely killer for me. 

due thurs : 
- music paper ( even though i've talked to my professor at least 2x about this, i have no idea what to write about/  the direction it should be going) 
- stats. quiz (need to study! ) 

friday: 
- econ midterm (need to study!) 

on top of that, i have to work on PAC stuff tomorrow and i have work again on thursday.  i had a shift with brittney today and i feel like we have a better connection. that makes me feel better...  

i love today's weather. the sky is completely gray, with a slight chill. it's cold enough to bust out the hats and scarves and heavy coats... it really feels like fall now.  on days like today, i just feel like a cat. All i wanna do is curl up with a cup of tea and put on a movie, or curl up and read and fall asleep reading.   

I went to go have brunch with Carmen at Walnut Cafe. We went to the flea market first cause we didn't expect it to happen, and i found myself a black leather messenger bag. i wish it was brown instead of black, but oh well. it's was only 20$, can't be too picky. i also found a hardcover copy of "The Little Prince" !! it was used, and it had an inscription on the inside. it was dated 67' , it makes me happy to know that someone before me enjoyed the same book. I think i might gift the other copy i bought, i want someone else to enjoy it as much as i have. I'm still looking for old copies of "Alice in Wonderland" ... i want one just to enjoy for myself, and i'm thinking of buying the pop-up version (it's extremely fine) for John Ramsey. I think i've mentioned him here before, but i'm not sure... he was my writing tutor when i was a junior, and he's absolutely amazing. He's a graduate student in Philosophy and from the last i've heard of him, he teaches Business Ethics at UCR. Anyways, he definitely opened my mind and everything that comes out of his mouth just really amazes me, I think i'd be a nice "thank-you-for -everything" present.

after getting brunch, Carmen took me to a coffee shop called lulu carpenter's. the one on Pacific has this back patio and it's really nice. It seems like a good place to do homework and just forget about everything else. I really like finding these hole in the wall places to eat and grab coffee, it's a nice escape.

you know what sucks?
hearing your housemates talk shit about you while you're in your room, listening to every word they say.

- they think it's shitty when i wear my purple striped silk bow tie with my white dress shirt. "yeah, i'd feel kinda bad too, except for the fact that she wore that stupid bow tie ...etc." "yeah, i thought it was almost cute..." i like my bowtie, and you're not the type of person i want to attract anyways so obviously you won't appreciate it.
- i say that they're wrong about something, and they adamantly believe that they're right, and then later find out that i'm right and fail to acknowledge it / apologize for talking down to me.
- they think i don't get their jokes, when in actuality, i find it easier to just play along, and i don't find their jokes funny. of course i don't, because they're made at my expense, and laughing at people solely based on what they look like or their quirks is really not that appealing to me.
- they talk about EVERYONE in our group.

a joke that they just said:
anthony- erin tell a joke!
erin- joke? i don't know any.
anthony- just say women's rights!
erin- that's not funny.
and they go on talking.


friends? housemates? sure, whatever the fuck you wanna call them.

i think it's funny that erin said that i'm like the "mystery" housemate. they never know where the fuck i am, and i'm hardly around the house. i was kind of surpised by that comment, more surprised in how she said it than what she said. it sounded like an accusatory remark, which i felt like it was an indirect attack. why the fuck should i spend additional time here if this is how these people really feel about me? i'm not going to invest myself in people who can't appreciate me for who i am.

not only that, but we had this apartment contract thing to go over, and in it, we declared that we wouldn't have any gossiping of house issues to other people. if anyone has a problem with each other, we'd go talk to them directly. yeah, okay, how wonderfully did that turn out ?

i'm not that angry after hearing all the shit they said. it's probably because i already felt like i was out growing them towards the end of last year, and now it's more apparent that i am. it didn't come as a total surprise to me, but it's still unsettling.

i went to Love Evolution (AKA Love Fest) on saturday. we headed out around 12pm and got to sanfrancisco around 3pm. such a long drive & finding parking was so hard. but once we got there, Love Fest was super fun! It's basically a day long dance party. it was a lot of fun going from float to float. buuut the music was kinda blah after a while. i've never been to a function like that so it was good to experience it.

today i went downtown and bought one of my favorite books - " The Little Prince " even though it's a children's storybook, it's really insightful and beautifully sad. I felt like i had to own it, because i love it so much.

i'm going to the bridge benefit concert which is coming up on the 25th. all my housemates & i are going. we all want to see Fleet Foxes, and i'm excited to see Wolfmother as well. : )

"You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed." - The Little Prince

today i just broke down in my room and was just overwhelmed by tears. there's nothing bad i can say about ramille. but it just hurts getting shafted so many times, feeling like i'm not worth his time. it's his last year here. all i want to do is show him all my favorite places and just spend as much time with him as possible. just make it good for him as much as i can before he leaves.

there's nothing like deathcab for cutie to make you feel 100x more depressed and lonely.

they are one of my favorite heartbreak bands to listen to.

anywayys, today all the freshman moved in. we started at 5:55am. all my friends are moving in this sunday. i'm pretty excited to see them all.

i've been thinking a lot lately, and i think that i'm in the middle of a huge change. i've taken a step back to look at the people i consider friends now, and i question- why are we even friends? to be more specific, i've been lulling this over in my mind about my housemates & old housemates (they're all friends w/ each other). i realize that the things they think is funny, i consider really messed up and shouldn't even be joked about, and a lot of times, i feel like they're putting me down a lot for who i am, or they give me this look like no matter what i say, it's going to be stupid in their eyes. such negativity creates more negativity within myself. and i'm not happy with this at all.

i hate eating at taco bell, and yet i find myself going with them just so i don't feel like the black sheep.
it ends here. i need to take a firm stand in what i like & dislike.

i think i'll still try and understand and spend time with my housemates more just cause i'm living with them, but i've actually thought about the people i met last year and kind of singled out the people who really put in the effort in our friendship. i have so many names in my cell phone, but really, how many do i actually want to pick up and call? those are my real friends.

these are the people i'm going to put in an extra effort to get to know this year:
- nick d.
- kanae & chika
-alicia
- alex y. & chris n.
- chris w.
- JR

they were my friends last year, and i realize that most of them put in a lot of effort to try and keep up with events in my life. the last two, i'm gonna try and put in the effort and see where that goes.

tonight's my last night here.

i'm moving onto my on campus apartment around 1:30... before then, i need to:
- finish packing
- write thank you letters (one for housemates & one for nick w. (aka roommate) )

nick w. left for oregon to game with his oregon buddies as a birthday thing. after he left, i discovered a letter on my bed. it was bittersweet.

this part of the letter got me the most:
" Sorry for being awkward or creepy. When I stare at you, it’s because I have something I feel I can’t say, or because I’m staring at the girl who I left at the end of the school year who never came back. "

ohh man. it just kills me. really, it does. i know how it feels to love someone, and have them not love you back the same way. i know those painful nights and hours spent in heartache thinking about that person. to think that i inflicted that onto another person, makes me very sad. i feel like a bitch for hurting him. back in high school, I wished to have a drawing, poem, or even a diary/ blog entry made by a boy who was thinking fondly of me. I had a very romanticized idea about the whole thing. now that it has happened, i don't really know how to feel about it. i guess bittersweet is the right word for this.

blah. i need to write a goodbyeletter for him when he comes back from oregon, and i don't really know what to say. i guess i'll figure it out in the morning.

i'm going to miss living here.